Not Rodney AKA The Couple From Hell
by rasah
Summary: Summary: John suddenly gets everything he’s ever wanted, but has he really? McKaySheppard Slash


Title: Not Rodney (AKA The Couple from Hell)

Pairing: McKay/Sheppard

Rating: T

Spoilers: Some, for all 3 Seasons.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of this.

Summary: John suddenly gets everything he's ever wanted, but has he really?

Authors Note: This is my first ever fic, comments would be adored. I really hope this comes across how I meant it, it's a bit angsty but it kind of just happened like that…

Part One

John is trying to get interested in War and Peace again but its hard going, he can't help but dwell on Rodney's latest I-must-touch-everything-even-if-I-don't-know-what-it-is incident. This morning they'd found a new Ancient device and Rodney who, for all his genius, apparently just won't earn not to mess with all things Ancient, had initiated it… the resulting explosion had been small but had scared John. Not _scared _scared, there was never really any danger of serious injury, but when would Rodney learn?? John's never really sure if he wants to hit him or shove him up against the nearest wall and kiss him senseless. John sometimes dreams of _making _Rodney listen to him, but, all things considered (Rodney is, well, _straight _after all) it's probably not a good idea.

This kind of thinking is getting John nowhere… he's been nursing this ridiculous crush for forever now and all it's doing is distracting John from the slightly more important business of running the City and keeping the Wraith at bay, oh, and keeping everyone alive. So he supposes the real question is, when will _he _learn? When will he stop reading more than there really is into every smile, every knowing look when one of the minions does something Rodney considers stupid (which is, let's face it, an hourly occurrence), almost as if they're sharing some secret, as if they have some sort of unspoken bond that, deep down, John _knows _is all in his head… Rodney's straight, end of.

Giving up the book as a lost cause, John starts to pace, remembering all of the times Rodney had come to him excited about some new gadget, eyes lighting up, hands flying, talking a mile a minute and apparently completely unaware of the effect his excitement is having on John (BDU's really are great for hiding just how happy John is to see him).

Lost in his thoughts, John is surprised when there's a knock at the door. It's still pretty early and most people are hard at work trying to save the day, or just work out how the new doodad works. He opens the door with his mind (_never _going to get bored of that!) and in walks the object of his brooding.

"I wasn't sure you'd let me in…" Rodney sounds nervous, hesitant. John's still trying to decide if he's ever actually heard Rodney _hesitant _before when the world turns upside down. Rodney's kissing him. John's brain is bouncing from 'what the hell?' to 'yes, yes, yes' back to 'seriously, WHAT THE HELL!?' when he realises that Rodney is talking (while _sucking_ that particular spot behind John's ear that drives him crazy – and how the hell did Rodney discover _that _so quickly??).

"You were right, I was wrong, and don't expect to ever hear THAT again… I should have listened to you…. Forgive me?"

"uh…"

"You're mad aren't you?" Rodney says, still sounding unsure "I'll make it up to you…" there's a hint of offer in that, an offer of everything John's ever wanted, and Rodney's voice has taken on a new tone, he sounds almost playful, suggestive, sexy, and John's starting to think he's going to completely loose the ability to form full sentences, even in his head…

And then, all of a sudden, the kissing goes from slow and confusing to desperate and brain-melting in about half a second. Rodney's practically _devouring _John, holding his head in his hands and exploring his mouth, pushing his whole body up against John, and whoa, when the hell did he end up propped against the wall?? John feels as though every nerve ending is on fire, his mind repeating on a loop 'Rodney's kissing me, Rodney's kissing me!' so he feels justified in having taken this long to remember that he knows how to kiss back.

John kisses Rodney with all of the desperation and want that he's been hiding for three years, he can feel the build up in the pit of his stomach and knows that there's no way this is going to last if he doesn't slow down… this is everything he's ever wanted, handed to him on a Rodney shaped plate and he's been living in the Pegasus Galaxy long enough to know that you take the good stuff when you can.

"Bed, bed, bed, please.. Rodney, _please…_" OK, so he's not too proud to beg.

"I'm so sorry John, I should have listened to you..". John's trying to drag Rodney to the bed while simultaneously NOT becoming a 13 year old girl and thinking 'he called me John' over and over… he's also started to wonder (in the traitorous part of his mind that insists on actually _thinking_) why Rodney's so apologetic about the latest (comparatively minor) incident. It's almost as if he doesn't think John _will _forgive him. And then finally, all thought is suspended as they land on the bed, John is somehow on his back (how did THAT happen?) Rodney is dropping feather-light kisses all over John's face and neck and John would take the time to appreciate the sweetness of that if he didn't want _more. Now!_

"Rodney, please… I want you, please, please…" Rodney chuckles at that (and since when does Rodney chuckle?) saying in an affectionate tone "don't worry baby, we'll get there". John decides to let the 'baby' comment go, he's got his pride yeah, but he's about to get _laid_ after all), Rodney's talking again, and John should have known that even sex wouldn't shut him up… "John, slow down, we've got all night". Huh, OK, John hadn't thought he could loose any more control here but Rodney suggesting that this isn't just some quick and dirty 'we're alive' sex has driven John to desperation again, he grasping at every part of Rodney that he can reach, kissing with every bit of desire that he's been squashing down all this time, and then Rodney moves… he's pulling Johns shirt up, hands everywhere at once, and John's pretty sure his brain really is going to explode now…

"Rodney please, please, touch me, please…" He knows he sounds desperate, but he can worry about his pathetic neediness later. Much later, Rodney's reached his pants now, clever fingers undoing the fly and shorting out John's brain for good… John is writhing on the bed, trying to get more of this, more touch, more of Rodney… which is when it all goes to hell.

"Jesus John, what's going on? You're acting like you haven't had sex in a month, was this morning really so long ago? Not that I'm complaining of course…"

But John's not listening anymore, _'this morning'_??? What the HELL?? And then it finally hits him, if it seems like it's too good to be true, it probably is… his heart threatens to break as he acknowledges that this isn't Rodney…

He's off the bed, gun in hand and pointed at this _impostor _before said impostor has a chance to register that something's changed.

"WHO ARE YOU?" he demands, and he lets every bit of hate that he feels right now bleed through, wants this _thing _wearing Rodney's face to fear him. To know that he's only alive right now because John needs answers.

"Huh?"

Not the reaction he expected, Rodney just looks confused, and then his eagle eyes finally take a look around the room, noting the poster on the wall, the golf bag in the corner, and of course John, pointing a gun at him.

"Shit" Rodney's face falls and he looks, not scared, but resigned, lost.

"Who are you?" John repeats, a little calmer this time.

"Dr Rodney McKay" and just as John starts to interrupt, becoming angry again "just not _your _Rodney McKay".

Huh? John's debating shooting him anyway, when the door opens, and John's heart breaks a little bit more when he's hears the man he loves call him by his rank again, and John wonders why the fact that Rodney's still never _really _called him by his name is the thing that hurts the most right now.

"Colonel, why weren't you answering your radio? We've picked up a power surge on the East Pier, we need to…" and he finally looks up from the PDA he's holding, takes in the sight of John with a gun pointed at _himself_, looks from John to the impostor and back again.

And then sighs and says "not again" as if this is not the worst thing _ever_. Which John supposes it isn't, not to the real Rodney who has no idea what so very nearly happened in this room not five minutes ago.

Uh oh… so how do you explain to the man you were just about to have sex with that he can't tell the man you _want _to have sex with, that you were about to have sex…? He looks at NotRodney, trying desperately to make him understand without John actually having to say anything incriminating (and how glad is he that he took the time to refasten his pants while deciding whether or not to shoot?).

But Rodney's apparently a genius in every reality, bad with people, blind when it comes to anyone around him having anything resembling actual feelings, but genius enough to have picked up on the fact that Rodney called him Colonel and not John, enough to pick up on the body language and John's barley concealed dread.

"So, guess this isn't my reality then?" NotRodney says a little too casually. Luckily John's Rodney (and John tries not to think too much about how NOT true that is), is a little less observant than his counterpart and just carries on as if there isn't anything at all out of the ordinary going on here.

"How did you get here? And why are you in Sheppard's room?" OK, so maybe not quite as unobservant as all that.

"Good question, and, because in my reality this is my room." Wow, NotRodney's pretty quick with the lying. Not that Real Rodney isn't quick, just can't lie for shit.

"Well, yes, OK… wait, what do you mean 'good question'? You don't know??" Real Rodney seems to take offence at that, like he can't quite believe that there's a version of him that doesn't know something (and is prepared to admit it).

"Not yet, I have an idea but… it didn't _look _like a quantum mirror..., didn't really look like a mirror at all, some kind of device, we found it out by the East Pier in one of the new labs. Small, but incredibly heavy, so we couldn't move it. I was running some tests and there was a small power surge… shorted out all of the power and almost took my head off. My radio wasn't working and neither was the nearest transporter, I had to WALK all the way back here."

"What the hell were you doing playing with an unknown Ancient device _alone_?!?" He may not be John's Rodney, but he's still Rodney and John's mad at him for being so reckless.

"Well yes, that's what you said this morning, or, well, not you I suppose, my John." John quickly looks to Rodney to see if he's noticed the use of his _actual name_ there, but apparently he hasn't.

"That's what you were apologising for? For not listening and almost getting yourself killed?"

"Yeah, except, apparently I was apologising to the wrong person." And now NotRodney looks unhappy, no, not unhappy, miserable. Suddenly John realises that there's a John out there somewhere who's just lost a Rodney he's actually _involved _with. He's torn between feeling bad for his unknown counterpart and feeling jealous that he actually _has _Rodney. Except he doesn't, not anymore, not unless they can get this device to send him back.

"Well, we'll need to examine the device obviously, see if we can send you back, and how soon." Rodney's apparently thinking the same thing. Well, not the _same _thing, but close enough.

So here they are, in a lab on the East Pier, no power and a lot of people looking from one Rodney to the other trying not too look too freaked out, and John wonders why everyone is so freaked out, it's not like this is the first time. Radek and Rodney (the real one) are examining the device, with NotRodney looking on, trying for once not to get in the way, letting someone else do the figuring out. They eventually determine that the device needs a much more stable power source in order to work without simply shorting out. Radek excuses himself back to his own lab to run some simulations, everyone determined to send the new Rodney home as soon as they can.

And then everything goes to hell again.

There's a flash and a sound not unlike a car back-firing and all of a sudden there's another John in the room. Who looks around frantically, sees Rodney and frowns, and then sets eye's on NotRodney and sighs, looking relieved, mad, and a little desperate all at once.

"Mer" He whispers more than actually says out loud, "Thanks God." And of course, he strides over to NotRodney and embraces him, and not in a just-glad-to-see-my-_friend-_who-I-thought-was-dead way, but in a way that makes it pretty clear to everyone in the room (thankfully no Marines, just Elizabeth, Miko, John and Rodney), that these two are _close_. And, shit. John's just realised that Rodney is seeing this… surely he's going to figure out just why NotRodney was in his room earlier now??

But no. True to form, Rodney _still _doesn't get that something's going on here.

"'Mer'? So I take it Jeannie's been to your Atlantis too?" One day John's going to point out to Rodney that he's, by far, the most _clueless_ person in two Galaxies.

But now NotRodney has remembered that RealRodney is there (and John's going to have to come up with a better way to distinguish between them now, especially since there's a NotJohn now..).

McKay (that's better, just call the alternate reality one McKay and the real one Rodney… good plan). McKay, is trying to get Sheppard to move away from him, to not be _quite _so obvious, but Sheppard isn't getting with the plan, at one point actually _holding McKay's hand!_ Eventually McKay gives up on subtlety and tells Sheppard they need to talk, and then drags him off into a corner.

Elizabeth gives them a few minutes and then calls them back, pointing out that they are technically complete strangers and need to be kept where they can be seen. John feels guilty for not thinking of that himself, it is his _job _after all, but he's kind of distracted by the sight of McKay and Sheppard, talking with their heads close together, so obviously intimate and _close _in a way that he and Rodney will never be. John starts to wonder how much more of this his heart can take when something shifts in the conversation he's observing. Sheppard looks kind of mad, and then he looks over to John… and there's something in his face that John suddenly recognises… well, shit. He'd completely forgotten about the whole almost-having-sex-with-someone-else's-Rodney thing…

He's trying to decide just how _pathetic_ it would be to run away (strategically retreat) from himself, when Rodney starts talking and breaks the tension (although, John's pretty sure it's a temporary thing). John is surprised to find that he'd kind of forgotten Rodney was even in the room.

"How did you get here anyway? I thought StupidRodney here had broken it in his haste to do something really stupid?" John smiles, that's his Rodney alright.

"We figured out where he'd gone.." McKay as the good sense to look sheepish… "so Radek figured out a temporary fix so that I could come after him, make sure he was alive and stayed that way until Radek can come up with a more permanent power source and get us home." John suspected there was more to it than that, that Sheppard had insisted that he follow McKay no matter what, but it would serve no purpose to actually say that out loud.

Rodney and McKay then started talking over each other, trying to decide how to fix the device and get everyone back to where they were supposed to be, and John decided now would be a good time to get the confrontation with Sheppard out of the way.

"So, er, Colonel… Elizabeth, why don't we leave the geeks to it and go figure out where you're going to stay while you're here?" He really hoped they wouldn't mind separate quarters… although he kind of suspected they would. He didn't really need to be worrying about DADT on top of everything else.

Almost the minute the exited the lab he was up against the wall with a face full of angry Air Force Colonel.

"Touch him again and I'll kill you." That said in the cool, calm, sinister way that John knew meant business. Elizabeth looks between the two of them as if she's trying to figure something out. It doesn't take long.

"I'll be in my office if you need me." 'Coward', John thinks uncharitably. He'd probably leave too, if he could. Although, in Elizabeth's case, she probably thinks she's being helpful, giving them a chance to _talk_.

Sheppard releases him and starts pacing, barely holding in the anger he so obviously feels. John starts to get defensive now, it's not like he'd _known _after all…

"Hey, it's not like I knew he wasn't my Rodney! And we didn't even really _do _anything… well not much anyway." That probably wasn't the best thing to say, Sheppard just looks more pissed of, if that's possible.

Then, all of a sudden, Sheppard calms down, practically sagging against the wall opposite John. He says, his voice full of _something_…

"I thought I'd lost him."

And John knows, knows because he's felt it too, during the storm, on the planet with the Super Wraith, when Rodney almost ascended, and countless other times when he almost lost his best friend. And then suddenly he _doesn't_ know, because if he lost Rodney, he'd loose his friend, the man he loved but had never told. If Sheppard lost _his _Rodney, he'd loose so much more. And just like that, he's back to not knowing if he feels sorry for Sheppard or if he's just jealous. Because _this _John _has _Rodney. This John has everything John's ever wanted.

Yet another small piece of John's heart breaks.

But Sheppard looks pensive now (John hadn't realised he could do that), he's looking at John as though he's trying to figure something out. It doesn't take him any longer than it took Elizabeth.

"You've never told him." A statement, not a question.

"No. He's straight."

"You sure about that?"

Er, yeah. "Yeah."

"Well, that's what I thought too."

Huh? "Huh?"

"Rodney. He was straight too. Right up until he wasn't."

HUH??!!

"The storm. After the clear up, when everyone had got back to what passes for normality around here, I went looking for him. He'd been acting off ever since Kolya went through the 'gate, so I had to find him, make sure he was alright. I found him at the Grounding Station, there one where they'd been held. He was just sitting there, staring out into the ocean, looking lost. We sat there for a while, not talking really, just being there and trying to wrap our heads round everything that had happened. Then it hit me. He could have died. I could have lost him for good without ever telling him how I felt, what I wanted, and I couldn't do that, so I told him." A small smile, remembering something… "well, I didn't _tell _him exactly… just kissed him." _Just_? "He was shocked, obviously, but he got with the programme pretty quickly, he's a genius you know." Sheppard sounded both proud and exasperated at the same time, and John realised that this meant they'd been together for two and a half YEARS! This day was going to kill him before it was done.

"He was kind of hesitant at first, he'd never been with a man before me, but, you know Rodney, throws himself into everything. He's a fast learner too…" and John really didn't need the dirty little smirk that came with _that _statement.

"Yeah, well… well done, I'm happy for you." John really tried to sound like he meant that, he was pretty sure he fell _really _wide of the mark.

"What's wrong with you??" and Sheppard's back to angry all of a sudden. "You've had three YEARS!! Why the hell haven't you ever said anything? Done anything?"

"Because!" Oh yes, EXCELLENT comeback.

Sheppard gives him a knowing look, and damn but it's annoying arguing with someone who knows you this well.

"You're scared, you don't think he wants you back and you're afraid of what'll happen if he turns you down, if he runs, if he's disgusted even…"

"Well YEAH! Duh. We're friends, we've been friends for three years, we're in a Galaxy where almost everyone and everything wants to kill or EAT us, I can't afford to have him hate me…" Oops, he hadn't meant to say that last part.

"You think he'll hate you? Why? What the hell happened to you that never happened to me? Because I tell you, I was worried about a lot of things before I told him, but never that he'd HATE me."

John gives up and slides down the wall until he's sitting on the floor, defeated.

"I can't loose him. It's been too long, if he felt something for me I'd have noticed by now, I'd KNOW. But he doesn't, and if I tell him now he'll just… he'll KNOW… and I couldn't stand it if he couldn't look at me… if he thought I was some kind of freak…"

"Freak? Huh? Why would he think you're a freak?"

"Well Duh! Because I'm gay you moron!"

"So?"

"What do you mean 'so'? So I'm gay! What if he's homophobic? I mean, I know he's a good guy and everything, but it's not like there aren't plenty of good guys who hate the idea of a man being gay."

"Huh?"

"Huh?" This was getting silly, why wasn't Sheppard getting this? John couldn't risk that Rodney wouldn't be able to handle him being gay, he didn't think he could survive Rodney looking at him the way his best friend in school had when he'd told him…

Sheppard rubbed his hand across his face, feeling as frustrated as John apparently.

"What does 'homophobic' mean?" He'd stumbled across the unfamiliar word and all at once the conversation made sense… Sheppard and McKay were _normal _where they come from! McKay had never been with another man, had apparently thought he was straight, but deciding that he wasn't was no big deal.

And now we're back to John being jealous of this man who had everything. There's only so much one man can take so John decides that retreat and denial are his best options.

"Well, how about lunch?" He tries to sound light as if they had been talking about something inconsequential, as if his heart was being ripped into a million little pieces the longer he spent in the company of this man.

Sheppard knew the tone and opted to let John get away with his retreat for the time being. Once in the mess hall they talked of the past, their childhood, and their early days in the Air Force, anything to avoid the conversation neither of them seemed willing to get back to. John knew it wouldn't last…

"So, what happened? The night after the storm? What happened differently?" Sheppard seemed curious, concerned even.

"Nothing. I went looking for him too. Found him. We talked. That's it. I told you, we're friends, we'll never be anything else." He was really hoping that Sheppard would just bloody well drop the whole thing now, John was starting to wonder how much therapy he'd need if he killed an alternate reality version of himself just because he was jealous of the better life he had. He was thinking probably a lot. And he'd have to write a report, and explain to Elizabeth and, God, Rodney. Probably not worth it all things considered.

Sheppard and McKay end up with quarters next door to each other, John and McKay between them managed to explain the whole 'not everybody's OK with gayness' and DADT thing to Sheppard, although John wasn't really sure how the hell McKay even _knew _about that… Sheppard has finally given up on grilling John and things appeared to be getting back to the Pegasus version of 'normal'. Rodney, McKay & Radek are all working on fixing the device and they're optimistically hopeful (well, Radek is at least… Rodney and McKay are convinced they're all going to die). So, with any luck, John's nightmare will be over soon.

Or not.

He's in McKay's room (with Sheppard of course, he's not suicidal), and the couple from hell (John might be a little more bitter than he thought) are looking at him strangely…

"So… We're going to help you." McKay has that gleeful look he gets when he thinks he's being really clever and sneaky. SO not a good sign.

"Help me with what exactly?"

"Rodney."

Oh God. "What?? I don't need help, leave it alone! Everything's fine, I don't need your help!"

"Oh, OK then. We won't help." And John may not be as smart as Rodney but he's not _STUPID_.

"Don't. Don't do anything. Don't say anything. Ever. Please." He's begging again, and this time not in the good way.

"Come on John," McKay takes Sheppard's hand and looks all, _happy,_ "you guys belong together! You know you do, we can help! If Rodney knew about John and I, maybe he'd, I don't know, _get ideas…_" Oh God, McKay looks gleeful again…

John's patience deserts him, he shouts angrily "If either of you do anything I'll kill you both, do you understand me?" He's shaking now, how can he convince them not to do this? Not to ruin everything with their meddling? Short of killing them of course. Because that would be wrong. Although he will keep it as an option obviously.

Sheppard is all calm and cool again, "Alright, don't worry, your secret's safe with us. We won't do anything that may result in you being, oh I don't know, HAPPY for a change!"

"Fuck off."

A run, that's what John needs, something to clear his head, help him to stop thinking about Rodney and his stupid smile, and his stupid big blue eyes, and his stupid hands that fly around when he speaks, and his stupid goddamn straightness.

Rodney is confused. Not a feeling he likes, or is used to. Alternate Reality Sheppard and Alternate Reality Rodney are odd. Not just odd; peculiar, weird, kind of freaky. He can't really put his finger on it but there is definitely _something_. It started when AR Sheppard (even in his own mind, calling the guy 'Alternate Reality Sheppard' is going to get tiresome), anyway, when AR Sheppard first arrived, he seemed a bit _too _please to see AR Rodney, and he called him 'Mer'! What the hell was that about!

Being a genius he had of course considered that they were just close enough to be on first name terms, something he'd never felt comfortable with where Sheppard was concerned. But there was more to it than that, Rodney didn't let anyone call him Mer, apart from his sister, and that was because it was their thing. Oh, he complained, and he hated when she did it in public, but it made him feel closer to her, as if they had their own secret names for each other…

Wait.

Hang on… that can't be it can it? No. That's ridiculous! There's no-way in hell those two are… are… _together_! That would be a bit too much of a variable, sure 'Rod' had been a lot more friendly than Rodney, and had gotten along with everyone (even Sheppard, much to Rodney's annoyance) a lot better than Rodney had ever been able to… but still! Surely he couldn't be _gay _in another reality? I mean, wasn't that kind of thing supposed to be genetic or something equally un-scientific?

Except… Now that he thinks about it, they did _look _at each other a lot. And there was touching. Not obvious or inappropriate touching, but more touching than two people who are just friends would indulge in. Rodney looks back over his memory at what he'd observed throughout the day, trying to find any clue as to whether or not it could possibly be true.

He could, of course, just ask Sheppard what he thought, but that would cause all sorts of new problems. Much as he'd like to be, he's not really sure he and Sheppard are on close enough terms for Rodney to ask him if he thinks he's gay in another universe. DADT aside, most men don't take well to that kind of thing. And Rodney should know, he'd had a friend in college who'd been gay (well not a friend really, a classmate who lived in the room next to him in the dorm), the guy had asked some senior if he was gay at a party once and gotten a pretty impressive beating for his trouble (Rodney had set off a fire alarm and it had all broken up before any serious damage could be done, but still).

Although, it's not like he'd actually be _propositioning _John, just asking his opinion about their weird new guests. Hang on, when did he start thinking of Sheppard as 'John'? This day was getting stranger and stranger. Rodney knows what he is, knows his limitations, he's not easy to get along with, to befriend, but the Colonel had made an effort, I mean sure, he snaps at Rodney, makes the odd joke at his expense, but Rodney's always got the feeling that John likes him. That he actually _is _his friend. Unlikely thought that may be.

Enough of this soul searching and brooding, he's a scientist, he needs hard data.

Rodney hovers outside AR Rodney's room. How does one go about asking a complete stranger who's actually _you _if he's sleeping with a complete stranger, who's actually your _best friend_? This might take some diplomacy, tact, subtlety. He's screwed.

He's about to knock on the door when it opens up for him. Huh, hadn't thought of that, the door's programmed to open for AR Rodney and of course Rodney has the same DNA. AR Rodney's room is pretty similar to his own, not quite as messy yet though. Which is something Rodney will remember later, right now his brain is kind of busy trying not to burst right out of his head at the sight that he is greeted with…

AR Rodney is lying on his back on the bed. Naked. And he's not the only naked one, there's AR John (surely they can be on first name terms _now!_), also naked, and actually kind of amazing looking (and where the bloody hell did THAT come from?!?), he's kneeling on the bottom of the bed, hands propping him up so that his head is over Rodney's crotch! And, Rodney might not have had one for a while but he knows what a blow-job looks like.

"Oh God, yeah, baby, don't stop…". Rodney is torn between amazement that this is happening, shock that AR John would put up with being called _baby _(I mean really…), and downright indignation that there's a version of himself who sounds like such a cheesy PORN STAR when he's getting off! 'yeah baby'?? What the hell? Is that supposed to be SEXY??

Of course, even though he's apparently getting the blow-job of the century, it was only a matter of time before AR Rodney spotted him…

"SHIT! John! Stop!" OK, so now would probably be a good time for Rodney to leave, and try not to think too hard about why he hadn't left the minute he realised what was going on.

"I'm sorry, I'll just… uh… go then…" Well, this is embarrassing.

AR John has stopped what he was doing and is now trying to find his clothes and put them on and look at AR Rodney and Rodney, and talk, all at the same time. It doesn't go well. He falls off the end of the bed, tries to put his pants on the wrong way round, and looks not unlike a deer caught in headlights, frantically searching Rodney's face for _something_.

And then he cements his position as the purveyor of the worlds most ridiculous comments…

"It's not what it looks like."

Huh. He would have expected something a little more, well, _intelligent_ than that, and also, why is he denying it? Does he think Rodney gives a damn? I mean sure, it's a surprise or sorts, and it kind of involves him in a way, sort of, but why would he _care_? More to the point, why would he be _mad_?Which is what AR John appears to be expecting… and then all of a sudden the world tilts on it's axis, Rodney feels sick to his stomach and is quite sure that half of his internal organs have all just shifted inside him at the same time… this isn't AR John… it's JOHN. And he's worried because he just got caught doing something he shouldn't, and he's, he's, John. Not AR John, but real John, Rodney's John, and this shouldn't be happening… this isn't fair. Why is he just figuring out this monumental thing about himself at the exact same moment that it becomes too late for him to do anything about it?

He runs, runs out of there and away as fast as he can. He's not really sure where he's heading, except he kind of thinks he might end up far out of the city, in a lab that's been abandoned since the machine in there almost turned him into a big glowy light (although, the superpowers _were _cool). He can't really think straight and he hates that, hates that he can't form a thought, can't use reason to explain all of this, can't understand what just happened, can't stop running.

Can't have what he never knew he wanted.

They find him in the practice room, smacking hell out of a punch bag. It's late now, maybe this day will actually end soon and things will go back to normal.

He'd gone for a run but it hadn't really helped, maybe beating the hell out of the bag (and yes, he was pretending it was Sheppard), maybe it would help. Except not so much. He was having a hard time staying mad at them, they _were_ only trying to help after all.

"Um… John?" Well that doesn't sound good, Sheppard has that tone, the one John gets when he's done something really bad and feels the need to confess…

"What?" He turns to look at them and gets even more nervous. They both look REALLY guilty.

"What?" he asks again.

"It wasn't our fault!" McKay chips in, sounding somehow indignant, guilty, and apologetic all at the same time.

"We were in Rodney's room.." at John's look he clarifies "_this _Rodney. We were, well, you know… and, well, Rodneymayhavecomeinandcaughtus."

God. Fuck. Bad. This is really bad.

"What do you mean he 'may have'? Did you throw him off the scent? Did you convince him is wasn't what it looked like? What?"

"Well, considering what we were doing there wasn't much chance of that. John tried but Rodney's not _stupid _you know! He didn't seem to take it too badly at first…"

"AT FIRST!! What the hell do you mean 'at first'?"

"He looked kind of calm about it, and then John tried to explain and he looked really bad all of a sudden and then ran off, and obviously we couldn't follow him what with the nakedness and everything…"

"Fuck."

"Yeah, pretty much. So, where do you think he might have gone? We tried the mess hall and the lab, and his quarters but he's not there."

"I _told _you not to do this, I _told _you not to interfere! Now look what you've done! He's probably off somewhere freaking out! I have to find him, try to explain…"

"We'll help."

He looks at them and makes no effort to hide the contempt he feels.

"You've done enough."

John doesn't really think there's much chance that Rodney will be in the lab. He doesn't think Rodney's been back there since the whole almost dying, again, thing. John goes there sometimes, it's quiet, peaceful, and this is the place where Rodney really smiled at him for the first time. Really smiled, right at John. And not cause someone had done something stupid, but because he was _happy. _They'd even shared a little eye roll at Ronan's bizarre behaviour (although John knew that this was because Rodney had done something for Ronan, something really sweet, something really touching, something thoughtful… and yes, John is now officially a 13 year old girl).

Of course, if this day is teaching him anything, it's that things never happen the way John thinks they will.

"It's alright, you don't need to worry about me telling anyone."

Huh? Not really the thing he expected Rodney to be focusing on…

"Rodney, you were the only one I didn't want to know. I don't care who you tell." This was apparently the wrong thing to say, Rodney looks at him with an expression full of… something… hurt maybe?

"Yes, well. I know now. And even if you don't care about being thrown out of the Air Force, I do. I, we, need you here. You can't let anyone find out."

Huh? (Again). "What?"

"What 'what'? You can't go round telling people you're gay you moron! What about DADT?"

"What…? Huh? What do you mean I can't tell people _I'm _gay?" Which was true he supposed, but not really the point. They were talking about an alternate reality version of himself, who's cares what someone from another _Universe _does?

"Rodney, he's from another Universe! Who cares?!"

Rodney looked crestfallen at that… Huh. This conversation was even more frustrating than the one he'd had with himself earlier.

"Is that why? Is that why you did it? Just some sort of experiment?" Rodney was feeling cheated and used on behalf of his alternate self. Had John really just being _having sex _with AR Rodney just because it _wouldn't matter_!?

"Huh?" And again with the stupid comments.

"Why did you do it? Why were you with him? How is he so different to me?" Oops, he hadn't meant to say that. That sounded bad, that sounded almost like he was jealous. Which, lets face it, he is; but John's not going to ever know that.

Except John doesn't look like he's realised what Rodney meant, in fact he looks even more confused. Right up to the point where he gets that look, like he just figured something out… Uh oh…

"Wait, what? You thought it was _me_??"

"Er…"

"What… Why? Why the hell did you think it was ME?!?"

Oh. God.

So this is what it feels like to be stupid. Of course it wasn't John. Of course it was AR John. Of course. John isn't gay. John wouldn't want someone like Rodney.

Except he _did_, or at least some version of him did. Rodney's seriously confused now and he's really starting to hate that, even as he's (rather disturbingly) getting kind of used to it.

"Sorry. I'm sorry, I thought… well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I was wrong and I'm sorry. How about we just pretend this conversation never happened? Actually, how about we just pretend this whole stupid _day _never happened?"

"No."

Oh. This is the bit where Sheppard (he's pretty sure he's lost the right to call him John now…), makes his displeasure felt. Rodney hopes it won't be too bad. Hopes John can forgive him, go back to being friends, or whatever they are.

"I am gay. But it wasn't me in that room with your doppelganger, it was his _lover, _his partner, the guys he's been involved with for two and a half years. Why did you think it was me?" John seems to be honestly curious now, not mad. He, understandably wants to know why Rodney jumped to such a ridiculous conclusion. Of course the other John and Rodney were a couple, Rodney had already know that, or at least suspected, that's why he'd gone there in the first place for God's sake!

Wait.

What did he say?

Rodney's known he was a genius all of his life, had it confirmed officially when he was still a kid. Show him a piece of technology that needs fixing and he can do it, fast as you need. Show him a Stargate and he'll figure out how it works, could probably even build one if he put his mind to it. But when it comes to people, he's clueless, stupid even. He feels like the slowest of all the village idiots when it hits him what John just said. He _is _gay. And when he spoke about the annoying couple from another universe, he sounded kind of… jealous?

So Rodney apparently has a stupid streak, but when he figures something out, he doesn't see the point in wasting time analysing it.

He's got John against the wall and is kissing the life out of him before John even knows what's happened, and a voice in the back of Rodney's head is shouting 'yes, yes, yes!'

John's inner 13 year old girl is back. 'Rodney's kissing me!' And bloody hell, McKay's got nothing on this. This is pure want, heat, and a little desperation too. Rodney's kissing him as if the world's about to end and realises that, for the first time in a long time, he doesn't want to have to save the world right now. He's got something _much_ more important to do.

He carefully but firmly pushes Rodney away.

"What? Oh. OK, sorry, shouldn't have done th mpfff…" John cuts him off with another kiss, lighter this time, not passion so much as love.

"I wasn't stopping you because I want you to stop, stupid. I stopped you because we're in a public lab, and as you quite rightly pointed out, I _do _have to worry about someone catching us."

"Oh. Right. So…" Rodney looks… well, adorable. Nervous, but sure at the same time. As though he just discovered something _really _cool and can't wait to find out how it works. John gets a little shiver at the thought of Rodney _discovering _him.

"So, just to be clear. I've wanted you for forever but I was too stupid to tell you. And now it seems that you might not be too averse to the idea yourself. That about sum it up?" John tries not to hold his breath waiting for the answer. He sounds a lot more confident than he feels, some part of him remembering the cool, calm, collected, _adult male_ that he was before the longest and weirdest day _ever_ went and messed with his head.

"Yeah, I want that. Er… I mean, I want you. Yeah."

And there it is, as if everything else had never been. Rodney wants John. The real Rodney. The Rodney he wanted. The Rodney he'd wanted from afar for so long.

The Rodney he loved.

There was still so much to worry about, they had the happy couple to get home. They had DADT to deal with, they had all the things that other couples have to worry about to deal with. But for now, more importantly, they had each other.

As they started the long walk back to living quarters Rodney turned to him.

"So, your place or mine, John?"

And the heart that had been breaking apart all day was suddenly, finally, put back together again.

The End

Comments would be lovely!


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